Well, I still feel like I'm drowning. But I need to keep my head up. Honestly, what else did I expect? That somehow miraculously I was going to pull through taking sixteen math-based credits at once and get straight A's in them? No. Maybe if math was my forte, but it really isn't. Maybe it would be if I liked me more, but I don't. So...it's okay. I hate it. But once I get through it, I am a microbiology major, so that shouldn't be a problem in the future. I would hardly consider microbiology a math-based subject--though biostatistics may play a role in epidemiology. Which is why I will NOT be an epidemiologist; I DETEST biostatistics.

Life isn't just about school, though. I need to realize this and freaking relax and still have a good time. Staying in on Halloween and studying was definitely the scholarly thing to do, but it wasn't the college-kid-who-is-making-lifelong-memories thing to do. It is possible to be both. I just haven't found that balance yet. When I do, I'll write a book. Cuz that's what you do when you make a ground-breaking discovery like that, right? Write a book. And if you're super-savvy, get a super-high degree first and attach the title to your name on the front cover...like Jane Roe, Ph.D. Jane Roe, M.D. Jane Roe, D.D.S.

I hope, if by some miracle I succeed at life, that I don't end up being an egocentric maniac that wears my title more than my smile. Because really, anything we gain materialistically and even intellectually will go away. People may remember me someday for whatever amazing discoveries I have yet coming, but I won't. I know I'm going to die someday; I know even before that my brain, skin, teeth, muscles, and everything connected to my physical existence will deteriorate. What I won't ever lose are the friends and family I love so much. I might lose a tangible relationship with them, but the ways in which they have touched me and the ways in which I have touched them will never, ever go away.

Have you ever had one of those friends you part on bad terms with, and then, many years later, you come to find that what drove you two to part ways ceases to be a part of you, but for some reason the comradery you shared with that person will never fade from your mind? I've had that. I suppose it's within our own abilities to forgive and forget; but what I know is this: It takes energy, negative energy, to maintain a grudge, while it takes no energy at all to let go and have nothing but the good remaining. Is all that negative energy worth it?

Wow, I'm in such a ranting mood. I just really, really want to use my right brain. Stupid math classes. But before I drown in last-minute scrambling, I need to go do my biostatistics and calculus. When I'm done, I can reward myself by curling up with a good fiction novel and drinking some hot chocolate or apple cider...and listening to Third Eye Blind.

Haha. Yeah right.