I'm overwhelmed by how devastated and worthless I feel.

I've decided that I feel intellectually idle, and that I am craving intellectual stimulation once again. I'm sure I will look upon this feeling with resentment a few weeks down the road as I drown in the contents I've slapped upon my plate once again. I have had time to sit down and think through my goals. I usually set them out before each semester, have a picture painted in my mind of just how I want it to be.

I want to find myself. I want to focus and put my energy into something. I want to pour my soul and passion (of which I have tons) into something, to put myself out there, try, make mistakes, and learn. I want to feel I am worth as much as a person.

Dear God, can I please make my goals for once? Please. I haven't ever before. I am so sick of it! I know it must be my fault somehow, but I don't know how! Can there please be some way for me to find out? For the switch to just switch on and for me to do well for once? Please. If there's anything I will admit about myself, it's that I'm sporadic, unfocused, but kind-hearted and with the best intentions. Please. I just want to be equipped to do what I believe in. And I know it may be selfish, but I want to know what it's like to love myself! Because I don't!

I have a little voice inside of me, telling me everything will be okay. Heck, so many that have succeeded report times of one failure after another, but they stuck through it and proved ingenuity that brought success and accomplishment that could outweigh any string of failures. I wish that I could feel like that could be me, but I don't. What these people had was at least one moment where they succeeded. They did well in school at one point, had a professor that believed in them, anything. And even if it was a tiny one, they were left with a shred of light to hold on to and nurture to a fire. I wish I had such a shred. I have never been great at anything--always mediocre.

So here I am, pathetic me, beseeching God for my little shred of light. Is it possible for me to do what I want? Or am I going to always be the one that drowns in the undertow of the world and goes unnoticed, without making a change positive or negative in the world? Am I always going to be in the background of existence, just that one girl who could play with little kids and make babies smile? Is that me? Am I as close to nothing as it gets? Or do I have a shred of light waiting to reveal itself to me somewhere, out there, in the untangible abyss I have yet to stumble upon? I don't know. I don't freaking know. All I know is that the description above fits me flawlessly as of today. And that I don't want it to--that's why I keep trying. That's why I'm still trying.

Am I just looking in the wrong place? If I am, can the right direction please, please reveal itself to me?! I am so freaking lost! I just don't know what to do anymore! I don't want to fade into the background. I don't want to be like this forever! I don't want to leave this world without having made an imprint with what I believe compassion and love can do!

Please don't let me fail again.