There is a quote I found to be rather fascinating from my favorite television show, "Heroes." For those who are familiar with the show, it's when Nathan Petrelli walked up to Mr. Linderman with a gun, while Linderman was cooking. He was considering killing him, and Linderman was having a very calm and collected conversation with him. What he said definitely got my wheels turning. "There comes a time, Nathan, when a man must decide if he is to live a life of happiness, or a life of meaning."

"I would like to have both," Nathan responded.

"Well, that's not possible. They are two very different paths."

I have heard from other various sources as well about theories making connection between level of intelligence and depression. What does intelligence have to do with meaning? Well, a lot. Intelligent people can see the world for what it really is. They can see meaning, and they can sense more than just their own lives.

Is it true? Do we have to turn our backs to the realities of the world to be happy?

It is a fact that there are a lot of happy people out there happy only due to oblivion. They are well loved, well cared for, free of any financial burden that could possibly bring to their awareness their mortality and limits in this world. They've never seen a child get hit, never experienced rape, never seen a genuine attempt by one human being to harm another.

Of course, that scenario is not entirely possible. EVERYONE faces some darkness during their lifetime. No one's lives are perfect. There is conflict somewhere, pain at some point. We have to admit, however, that we all know someone who fits this mold pretty well.

They are happy, that's true. But here's where I begin to question it.

There's a woman I know who grew up in a family laden with brutal domestic violence. Her father was so abusive to her mother, she was at times afraid for her life. She took her children and left him when this woman was six (although I do realize at the time she was a girl) and then remarried a man who beat her and her siblings. She watched him almost kill her youngest brother, and her mother, too afraid to leave, put him up for adoption to save his life.

Needless to say, this woman has seen many brutal angles of life. She has seen and felt very real pain, been afraid for her life and the life of those she loves, and been exposed to horrible unkindness that would cause most to crumble. But here's the catch. She ran away when she was fourteen. She married once, figured out the guy was an asshole, left him, got married again, realized again he was an asshole, and went through lots of counseling and efforts for personal growth. She finally married the love of her life, had children and didn't abuse them. She got a college education and an excellent paying job. She has engaged in many volunteer programs, and is a happy, healthy person. Is she any less happy than the ignorant, sheltered individuals out there?

I actually would argue that she's MORE happy. Why? Well, think about it. Who's more in touch with the world? The one that knows both love and hate, or the one that knows just love? Who's going to stay standing when hell breaks loose? It will. It's not a question of if, it's a question of when.

There is an awful lot of suffering out there. A quarter of women get raped. Countless numbers of people die prematurely, and leave behind many, many people who loved them and suffer from their loss. Many struggle with potentially terminal illnesses. Many fight against mental disease every day, mental diseases that cause a great amount of anguish, like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar Depression, and many, many more.

There is so much suffering to learn about that is out there! It would be so easy just to retreat into a peaceful little bubble and live and be happy.

But there's something the people in the bubbles don't know. There are a lot of people that fall, and never get up. But there are more people that fall and get up, fall again, and get up again. Human beings are remarkably resilient. If there's anything I've learned throughout my experiences in my own life, it's that we are all so much stronger than we think we are. The people who retreat to their bubbles don't realize this. They think that if their house burned down, they would have nothing left. If their financial assets vanished into thin air, they would be rendered helpless. After all, only stupid people are poor! But they are wrong.

There's a Rascal Flats song that is pretty much awesome that strikes a chord with me, and relates to this discussion. The chorus is as follows:

"When push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees, you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you Stand"

So, are we happier if we ignore the horrible things in life? No. We are happier when we face all the pain and can see through it all that there is hope, for all of us. that takes work, however. It's not easy to endure life's delivered blow after blow, and to stand up and say "I swear! I see light somewhere!"

But it is. Throughout one's search for meaning, one will certainly find it.

I haven't written in here in forever. Whenever I go back and read my old posts, I remember the value of having written in them so much in the past, and thus rekindle my inspiration to keep up my blog. I don't know if anyone reads it. But I will someday, when the memories of nowadays have sadly faded and I want to remember them more clearly. I was sixteen years old when I wrote my first post, and a sophomore in highschool. Now, I am 22 years old, and I don't know what grade you would say I am in now, but I am in college and should have graduated in May had I stuck to the traditional straight-through four-year program. However, I didn't. I ran into a few complications, including illnesses and a change in career path and thus a change of major after having completed three years of college.

How have my plans changed since I last wrote in here? Well, I am no longer a microbiology major. I am now officially a psychology major. I have joined the most popular major in the United States. Is this a good thing? Ultimately, yes, but I do have to face the fact that I might end up in social work or waiting table immediately after graduation. Getting a degree in psychology is very close to the same as just getting "a degree." It's like getting a degree in English. Congratulations, you can read, write, and fluently speak your native language. And think about it. But seriously. Who cares? You either teach English in public schools, or you find some other random career that could be everything from janitorial work to being a business executive for a wildly successful porn-store chain. My mother receieved her degree in English, and while she is a writer nowadays, she spent her career doing everything under the sun: inspecting meat-packing plants, writing scripts for TV news stations, and buying crude oil. Yes, buying crude oil.

Pretty much my point is that getting a degree in psychology rarely leads to a career in psychology. However, I actually want a career in psychology. That's why I have to plan on going to graduate school. I could get by with a master's, but my ultimate goal is a doctorate, as it increases my opportunities...and my salary. In the grand scheme of things, though, my drive to pursue this career is not money, status, or anything of the like. I simply love psychology and helping people. I want to have my own private practice, and yes, I want to hear people talk about their problems. I want to be there and listen to the things people can't tell anyone else, and I want to watch them muster the courage to open up not just to me but themselves. I want to think about them in a caring way, and help them devise effective coping mechanisms. I want them to spend time with me, but then to walk away never to see me again as stronger people. I want to watch them transform from scared and hurting to confident and happy.

I want to take away the world's pain one person at a time.

And I want to learn everything about everybody. Each person I encounter every day has something to teach me. I know I will learn so much through this journey. I will learn things about myself, about others. I will be awestruck by both the cruelty and compassion of the world. I will be inspired by the strength that human beings can muster even in the most dismal of situations. I will be amazed as I watch people climb from the depths of depression due to both chemical imbalances and severe trauma and abuse to a state of hope, drive, and strength. One of the messages of life that beats me over the head every day is that we are all so much stronger than we think we are. While the more we live the more we learn that life is not easy, we also learn that we can do it anyway.

"We cannot all do great things. But we can all do small things with great love."--Mother Theresa

Whenever I hear the word "drowsy," I always conjure up a negative reaction, due to the fact that most experiences of drowsiness are associated with discomfort, and an unfulfilled desire for rest (just like most of us sleep-deprived Americans.) But right now, I am feeling somewhat drowsy, and rather liking it. I mean, come on. It's been blizzarding for quite some time in Colorado, and I've been so damn sick--so when was the last time I'd spent any time in the sun? Ages ago. The sun does make me drowsy, but the kind of like...a golden drowsy. I love the feeling. I think all this time the cure to any ailment anyone could possibly throw at me was just a little bit of sun and humidity. And whoohoo! I've got lots of it now. I am certainly in heaven.

In addition, I am filled up with Grandma's delicious cuisine, fresh and clean from a recent shower and covered in smelly-good lotion, and, not to mention, I just won an iPod mini on Ebay, for which I am not suffering even a slight reduction in wealth due to the fact that I got it with Christmas gift money. Life is good!

Wow, it's been forever since my last post. I am sorry to have neglected my blog for so long. I was pretty much ambushed by a crappy, deblitating illness for three freakin' months. I had Chronic Viral Syndrome caused by Cytomegalovirus and Pavovirus B19 (Yes, I had TWO chronic viruses) and it basically causes mono symptoms and respiratory inflammation and arthritis. It was a horrible, horrible experience. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I just have to say I am soooooooooo happy it's almost over. The symptoms are improving! I should be better in a few weeks. WHOOHOO! I am sooo excited! I feel more mentally alert than I have in three months. I thoroughly appreciate my mental functions more than I ever have before.

And so I should be 100% just in time for me to turn 21 on the 22nd of December! It's time to start getting pumped for some good times to come...yay!

Last night was pretty much the best night of my life. I would never have imagined that I would be happy to have had my chapter closed, but last night would never have happened if we were still open.

I moved into my apartment a little over a week ago, in with three other lovely ladies, whom I will treasure as true friends for the rest of eternity. Their names are Amy, Abigail, and Heather. We also have many amazing sisters that come over and visit a lot. One of them, Robin, was over and we decided that we wanted to have a Pina Colada night. And thus Saturday night was approaching, and I called up many of my fantastic buddies and invited them to come and participate in the evening.

What we'd initially had in mind was a night of Pina Coladas and chick flicks--pretty laid back, but so much fun. Well, once everyone was over and we were watching a chick flick TV show on DVD (Freaks and Geeks?), I realized I really didn't feel like watching anything on a screen. So when I realized that we didn't have nearly enough ice made to make delicious Pina Coladas and Daiquiris, I didn't hesitate to seize the opportunity to make a temporary escape and get some ice. I asked if anyone wanted to come with me, and two girls did--Erin and Jessica.

So we hopped in my car and started heading over to King Soopers, when Erin mentioned that she'd been on a run that day, and while she was running, had come up with the crazy idea of all of us dressing up as goofy made-up superheros and making a coffee-table booklet of our "rescues" and "adventures." I told her it was a brilliant idea, and we decided we were going to go to a thrift store and pick up stuff for everyone.

So we turned around and drove to ARC Thrift Store and looked at many hilarious possibilities, and finally went to the checkouts just before they closed. We got a few cell phone calls inquiring as to where the heck we were and what was taking so long, but we told them we'd run into a few complications and would be back in a few minutes.

Then, we picked up ice, and headed back.

I wasn't sure if everyone would be into it. I mean, it was pretty crazy--and not everyone can be expected to be into that kind of thing. When I put on my outfit and modeled it for everyone, I wasn't sure if everyone approved--but before I knew it, everyone was trying on the stuff we had, and taking stuff from our closets and other people's closets, and ultimately putting together the most hilarious superhero outfits ever. While everyone was getting dressed, I made the drinks (with sufficient amounts of ice, of course) and had my own delicious Pina Colada. Then, I put my hair into pigtails, and then applied bold makeup much more liberally than usual.

Then, one more girl came...Susanne. She didn't feel up to par, so she decided to be our official photographer. Yay!

So we went to the front lawn and took a few group pictures in various obnoxious poses.

From there, we decided to walk over to our president's apartment, since she lived in the same apartment complex, and as we went we sang Theta songs, and I'm sure we sounded DRUNK. Funny thing was, none of us were. Most of us had virgin drinks, and the most anyone had alcoholic was two non-virgin drinks. So did we have any real excuse for our behavior? Naw. We were just awesome. I love my sisters!

So we sang our silly songs and showed up at our chapter president's apartment (her name is Shannon.) She turned out to be having a Margarita night at her place, so we got to see even more sisters. Oh yeah! Then, we went to our other sister Kat's apartment, who was also in the same apartment complex. At that point, the sprinklers had started running, so we had to run through the sprinklers to get to her front door. It took some persuading to get certain individuals to go through, LOL. She rooms with a couple guys and also had another guy over--I hope we didn't scare them! We were CRAZY. So we visited with them for a while, then decided to head back to my apartment to take more pictures. As I was going through the sprinklers, though, I definitely tripped, ate it, scraped up my knee, and got stuck giggling right in the middle of the sprinklers. Definitely hilarious. Jessica couldn't stop laughing and felt so bad. She said "It's not funny, I'm sorry!" But really, it was. She's so cute.

Then, this guy in an apartment nearby who was just outside his front door asked us if we were freshmen and why the heck our sorority was making us do this. I'm not quite sure he believed us that none of us were freshmen and that we'd done this entirely on our own prerogative.

While we were walking back, I decided I was hyper enough to start singing in Elmo voice...within seconds, I kid you not, we turned a corner and ended up very nearly face-to-face with the security guard for the apartment complex. He asked us what party we were going to, and for some reason he believed us when we told him the truth. We weren't having a party. We were just sorority sisters taking ridiculous pictures of one-another dressed as superheros. He laughed and let us go.

Then, we went back to my apartment, and Erin's creativity was officially brought to reality. She arranged special poses for each of us for our superhero outfits. Her pose, since she was dressed in spandex and swimming gear, was her pretending to be diving into the toilet. LOL. And mine was with my leg up on the leg of the couch, bearing a "weapon" just like a gun, but it was actually my hair dryer. We had one girl pretend to be meditating in a locus position on this amazingly meditative looking pillow Heather had. I really am tempted to go through all of them because I'm so entertained by it, but that would probably be boring. If it's possible, I will put up the pictures from the evening--if no one has an objection to it, and if none of the pictures look overly promiscuous! (My shorts were REALLY short--and I don't want overly promiscuous pictures of me on the internet!)

All in all, last night was a blast. I LOVE my friends--they are amazing! I can't imagine how dull life would be without them in contrast to the way it is now. I just want to be like this in college forever!

So tomorrow would have been my move-in day had Kappa Alpha Theta not closed my chapter exactly a week before move-in day. Now, I am relieved that I'm not moving. I have so much to do! And I honestly don't know how I would have gotten it all done without these few extra days.

For starters, the mom in the family I nanny for is a dentist, and when I found out from my orthodontist that I was going to need a root canal, she bent over backwards to take care of me and make sure I got with an endodontist that did freaking amazing work, and since he happened to be her good friend, she got me a FREE root canal! Okay...that is REALLY REALLY REALLY nice. I knew she was nice, but that was beyond anything I would expect ANYONE to do! I just felt like saying "thank you" or even writing a nice thank you note wouldn't be enough to express my gratitude. So I've been making her a family calendar. The son, who's fourteen, showed me where the pictures were, and I went through all of them and picked seventeen to use for the month pictures for the calendar--August 2006 through December 2007. And let me just say they are awesome at taking pictures--they have a gazillion of them AND there were SO many adoreable ones! It was really hard to pick out only seventeen. So I put several more on the cover page. So anyway, it's been a time-consuming project. Well worth it, but time-consuming just the same. I scanned all the photos I picked and cropped them to capture the life of the pictures, and then I saved them on my jumpdrive and took them to Copy Max to print, since their printers are much more capable of printing clear pictures than my printer. And then, fantastico, the freaking printers had something wrong with them so there were lines and blobs on several of the pictures. When I complained, they said they wouldn't be able to have a mechanic come in until Monday, but I was welcome to come after that and get the entire think re-printed for free. So there we go.

And then today my sister's car broke down while she was on the way to the doctor, so I had to go pick her up, bring her there, and since she was late, her appointment was postponed an hour and forty five minutes, so I went to her car and got it to start and then went and waited for her and drove her home. Another three hours--GONE! Crazy.

In the meantime, I have to clean my room, do mountains of laundry, pack, shop for all the stuff I need, get my camera fixed, get my watch fixed, and prepare for this coming semester. So...got a lot going on! I sure appreciate these few extra days.

I LOST 14 POUNDS! Hee hee, I'm so excited. I've always been a chunky girl, even since I was in middle school, thanks to my small bone structure that accentuated every extra pound I carried. I finally got the weight off. I really hope I can KEEP it off, which is my next weight-related endeavor. But I just love leaning over and not having anything bunch up. It's a great feeling! I also love putting on clothes and actually liking the way they look. Mind you, I can't wear ANYTHING. But no one can, really, due to different body types. But I can wear a lot more.

I was so depressed about the way things were going; there are quite a few changes that are pretty traumatic that have been taking place quite suddently and unexpectedly. But I've decided that this is one of those situations where one door closes and another opens. This could end up being the best thing that happens to me in college. It could transform my life into already good to even better--to FREAKING AWESOME.

It's not for sure...but it's looking that way. Either way, I'll be happy. Because I am not going to let life walk all over me. "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."-- George Bernard Shaw

Let's just say I'm unreasonable. If the situation doesn't work...I'll make it! Therefore, I'll be happy no matter what.

Not to mention building something is an incredibly rewarding experience. If it all falls down, it means I have to build it up again. So it'll end up being rewarding.

So good stuff. I'll be happy either way. I can't complain.

I know this blog is public. I know that I shouldn't write things in here that aren't supposed to be public. But let's be honest. How many people read this? Enough to make me happy. Not enough to make me think that writing this entry should get me in trouble.

What have I been up to all this time? Well, I took a summer class...Physics II. That was pretty time-consuming. I've been nannying, which is really fun, because the kids are old enough so that I don't have to really babysit them, but young enough to need someone there to drive them around, and to be there so they don't have the opportunity to get into trouble. Haha. But they're good kids; I've never worried about them doing anything bad. I just hang out with them, watch movies, read, and get paid to take them around town doing fun things. I can't say I mind the lifestyle!

As for the other part my current life story, my sorority chapter is facing the threat of being closed. I can't say I expected it; we didn't do something that would result in disciplinary action. And it doesn't seem to be an act of discipline. It's more...business. Screw that. I joined this because of all the hooplah they tell us about sisterhood. If they want to treat us like a business instead of human beings, fine. I'll be happy to be free of their rule. If they decide to find it in themselves to have compassion for our situation, considering this is the place we live and our best friends and something we have pledged our lives to, then I'll be happy to remain a member. So I guess no matter what happens, in one way or another, I'll be happy.

But I just have to admit the thought is pretty traumatic for me. I mean, come on. I hated college until I found my sisters. I was so shy and felt so out of place. The huge CSU campus had basically swallowed me whole, and considering the size of campus, I was only a grain of sand on a dang beach. But I found my home at Theta--not with the house, dammit, with the people! I don't care if they think that we need this amazing house, and all its 30,000 square feet! Screw that! If we can't afford it, yes, I can live in a smaller house. I think all of us are together on that one. But we aren't given that option. Ooohhh, no.

I don't want to give up yet...maybe they will change their minds. But it doesn't look very good right now. I'm pretty upset. I've been doing what I can to fight it. And, well, I hope it does something. Maybe it won't be enough, but at least I fought. At least I tried.

On a more positive note, this summer thus far has pretty much been my period of transformation. In what way have I transformed? I have confidence. I'm not shy anymore! I am working at getting parts of my life together that used to just look like living proof that the law of entropy exists. I actually like myself. And ya know what? That doesn't make me cocky by any means. I don't think I'm better than everyone else. But they can be good even if I am good. You're all good, and I'm good. Yay!

But I realize that my struggle isn't over. Which sounds bad, but it also means the improvements aren't over, either. I have to keep working at it. I have to continue striving for more. But isn't that life? Is anyone ever 100% satisfied? Aren't we always working for something? If we weren't, we'd be bored. And I've come to understand the shocking reality that people would rather hurt themselves than be understimulated. Ever heard the song "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls? A memorable line from it is "You bleed just to know you're alive." Well heck. I'm alive! So I guess as long as I'm working my ass off at something, I won't have to bleed. I mean, I guess I can bleed from other things, but I won't have to make myself bleed to remind myself that I am here, and that I exist.

Anyway, I'm exhausted. I should probably head off to bed. And I know this is random, but I want to remember my dreams for once. I used to remember them all the time, and they were fascinating beyond measure. Nowadays, I heardly ever remember them. Since I learned so much from them before, it makes me wonder what I'm missing.

G'night everyone!

I don't have too much to say today, though I usually think that's the case until I start writing and the thoughts start flowing. I really miss my CSU friends right now. I know there are some of my sorority sisters in this area...I need to call them. I am so bad about calling people and staying in touch. I'm used to living in the same house as them and just having to walk to the next room to talk. But for the rest of my life after this, I'm going to have to CALL people.

So. I need to make a list of people to call. Lists are my friends. As long as I remember they're there so I can look at them and complete them.

Which, speaking of lists, I need to make a list of the things I want to do with my life and start building a routine, an effective routine that reduces my stress. That would be awesome. I am an extremely stressed out person. I realized that. I never thought I was, but in truth, I'm paranoid and anxious and all-around pretty tense. Which isn't good. Life would be more fun if I could just relax and have fun every once-in-a-while. Which I do want for myself. I want that in addition to my efforts starting to become effective. I have to want both of those; life isn't all about succeeding. It's about relationships and having fun too! And when I mean relationships, I don't necessarily mean just romatic relationships. I mean all kinds, and especially friendship in my case. Friends are so, so important. I have them, but the fact that I keep getting lost in my battle to succeed academically and lose touch with them is bad!

And wow, it's starting to storm like no other! That was one crazy gust of wind. It almost picked up the table outside...man, scary!

Anyway, I have to start prioritizing and making sure I get my needs met. It's okay to fight for academic wellness, but...not to the detriment of my other areas in need of wellness.

Ahh! It's hailing! My caaarrrrr!!!!! Nooo! Oh, man, that is a raging storm...kind of like me inside! I think everyone feels like that sometimes. Or all the time, in one way or another. I guess that's the only way to equalize imbalances in pressure, right?

And can I say I love my sister's friends? They are adoreable and sweet and so nice to me. I wish I'd had that kind of a group in highschool...I never really fit into one place. At least now I fit somewhere, now as in college, which isn't really now because I'm stuck at home away from college. But still. I have something to look forward to. So...whoohoo!

Well, I haven't written in here in forever and a day, and I figure I need to start writing things down so I can...I don't know...have a clearer image as to where I am these days. Sometimes I don't even know anymore. Everything seems like it's a huge whirlpool, even though my life isn't exactly hopping. I guess I've been kind of depressed, but it's getting better. Hopefully it will continue to do so.I haven't had much of a social life. I hung out with Kim last night, which was definitely fun. I think I need to be a little more proactive, though I have to accept that my social life just isn't going to be what it is at college while I'm down here. I have just grown apart from so many people, and honestly, I wouldn't want it to be any other way. And I don't meet that many people. Maybe I could hang out with a couple people I've met in class...I'm taking classes at the University of Colorado at Denver, and the class is small, so I've kind of made a couple comrades. At least people I say hi to and ride the light rail home with. Maybe we'll form study groups and hang out a bit. Or maybe not. But I should try. Why not? One of the girls in my class is actually a biology major at CSU. She's really cool. Her name is Nahid.

And I have officially inherited my grandma's car, which is a '99 Buick Regal. It's really nice. But I can't help but feel remorse for no longer driving the Purple People Eater. She represents my personality so well: she stands out not because of perfection, but because of originality. And she's cute! And come on, I've wanted a purple car since I could talk and I said "Mommy, I want a purple car when I grow up." So I got a purple car. And now I am getting a tan car! And it's amazing; the transmission actually works, and it has air-conditioning! But I need to do something to it to make it a ME car. It won't ever be the Purple People Eater. But...come on...a Buick? I definitely need to spice things up a bit. Will, one of the two kids I nanny for (he's fourteen...he's really cool...they really just need someone to stay there in case the shit hits the fan and to drive them around, so I get paid to hang out with cool kids) said that he would put flames on it for me. LOL. I am not exactly a flames kind of girl. My mom said I should put flowers on it. Haha, I don't think my dad would be too happy about me doing anything to the paint. But I should think of something. I wonder if they have stuff for that at Car Toys. The toys part sounds rather enticing, I'm not gonna lie. Maybe I could find something cute there.As for school--wait, why am I talking about school? The mere thought of it makes me want to gag. And who wouldn't? Three and a half hours of physics lecture two days a week, plus three and a half hours of physics lab. Blah. Shoot me now.

And Spammy is supposed to call me when she gets back from work. Hopefully we can do a least a little bit of something fun. Her stupid work, she works so late! I want to play more! :-( Too bad everyone is gone this summer. I am so bored!Oh! But I started volunteering again at the House of Hope, and it's actually REALLY fun this time around. I think for a couple years, I went through an anti-kids phase. I've always loved kids, but I all of a sudden found myself pretty intolerant with their behavior and childish ways. I am pleased to discover that that phase is over, and I can return to having a blast playing with kids. That's when I do my work the best; my job is to reach out to the kids, be a good role model, and make them feel like they have a connection to me. Kids at homeless shelters don't need someone just helping them; they need someone to be their friend. And I feel like I can do that better now that I love them again instead of getting annoyed with them being kids.Wow, I am ranting. I need to write in here more. So I don't write mile-long entries. More entries shorter in length should probably be my approach. Let's see if I can't get a little consistency going here for once! Speaking of consistency, my lack thereof has forced me to begin cramming for my physics exam on Monday. So I should go do that until Spammy calls. So, peace out!

Ever had a gut feeling, and known right away when something was off? Everything logically tells you that you are wrong; evidence that can be seen by the naked eye indicates that everything is okay, and you have nothing to worry about. But something in the back of your mind just nags and pokes and prods. You have often wondered if you are just afraid of putting yourself out there, and say it's just you trying to talk yourself out of something new.

But then it all comes crashing down. That's what happened to me. Who would ever guess that tiny little indicators could point to something so big? Would I ever guess that someone so innocent and shy and inexperienced could do something like that? How could I have known? But the sad thing is, I did know. I told myself I was wrong, but I was right. And so I bear the wounds from a trauma that should have never happened. But they should heal and scar over, and I will be rough, rugged, and stronger. And next time an asshole dares step in my path, I will obliterate him, no questions asked. But the next time someone nice comes my way, I will remember that since I am better than all the assholes I see, so this nice one must be for me. If he ever comes. I will wait patiently.

And...it's been alomst a month since my last post. My, how time flies. It's amazing how when we pack more and more into a tiny bit of time it seems to go by faster than when there is absolutely nothing packed into that time. You would think that a lot would seem like more, and a little would seem like less. But I guess it comes down to the fact that "If you watch the pot, it never boils." And if you don't have time to watch it, the entire dang thing evaporates before you even check on it.

And yes, the pot is starting to evaporate away for me. I have less than a month left of my sophomore year, and then--eye opener--I am halfway done with college. That is, if I stick with microbiology, which is currently the plan. This has ended up being one of the most challenging tasks I have taken on, but might end up forcing me to grow the most as a person. If I decide that isn't the way I want to grow, I'll probably end up leaning towards becoming a therapist. However, I feel like taking the path of least resistance won't benefit me personally as much. My defense mechanism for any areas of my life that I feel are lacking is altruism; I have a lot of practice in getting other people's needs met, but very little in getting mine. Therefore, I need to go out there and do something challenging, and damn near impossible...and use my "help" abilities to help myself through it. Then, I'll grow as a person. If I just settle and continue helping everyone else, I'll still be just me. And while that isn't the worst thing in the world, why settle for less if I can strive for more?

And...Happy Easter to everyone! I am actually at home now, just for the day, and about to head upstairs to meet our neighbors and my family to have a lovely Easter dinner. Last night was my Theta formal, which was tons of fun, and I'm sure will be one of those memories I draw out as an old, fragile lady someday when I am telling all the youngsters about my days of yore. And then, just like I once did, they will sit there with big eyes, wishing they would grow up already and get to that fun part, but thinking they never would. Then...blink! There they are!

Just like...blink! Here I am. I hope it isn't as quick a blink to my deathbed, though I suppose being only twenty years old, proportionally speaking what the next blink will bring me is financial independence, marriage, and kids. I don't plan on that happening anytime super-soon, but the time between now and then, I'm sure will pack quite a bit of activity, so I won't have time to notice the pot is boiling and evaporating. Or I could die in a car accident tomorrow. Who knows?

Oh well. I am having fun, for now. That's what counts. Even though time flies when I pack everything in, I still want to do that, so I can say that I seized every opportunity that happened in my direction. I guess there are always consequences for taking risks and losing, but I don't want to be the one who just didn't take the risk and would therefore never know. Asking if we are worthy of better things is scary; but if we don't ask, the answer is always no.

And now it is time to pry myself away from my introverted ways and be social, which will, I'm sure, be fun, so I am off. But everyone have a Happy Easter! And as that Harvard guy said in the class of '99 speech..."Do something every day that scares you." That's my bit of advice for today, and I'll see if I can't follow it myself.

Washington, D.C. was amazing. I LOVED it and definitely want to go back someday! My friend, Amy, and her mom were so nice to let me stay with them! I had fun hanging out with them and visiting the incredible monuments. I got to see The Declaration of Independence, The Bill of Rights, and The Constitution. Oh! And The Magna Carta. I must say, it was very moving to look at the original documents that have affected the lives of so many--including mine. I can thank the men who risked their lives by signing those documents for my freedom, the freedom to become anything I want to be, to practice any religon I choose, and to petition my government so it can better suite my needs and the needs of the general public.

And wow! The penmanship was so gorgeous...it looked just like cursive font from a computer, but it was hand-written! The lady that worked there said that George Washington wrote the draft for The Constitution, but hired someone with perfect penmanship to write it out and make it look pretty. It took him twenty-six hours to write outThe Constitution in that penmanship. Even so, I can't believe he pulled it off like that! I bet that guy's super messy handwriting is tons neater than my neat handwriting.

I also visited two Smithsonian museums: The Museum of Natural History and The Museum of American History. My favorite part of the Museum of Natural History was the section on Modern fossils. Modern fossils are organisms that haven't evolved in the past several million years, so their bones are the exact same as the fossils from long ago. What was cool about the display was that they had the fossils that were millions to hundreds of millions of years old, and then the bones of a just-recently-deceased organism. It was really fun to look at. The ones that I remembered from biology class were the Lungfish and the Alligator, both organisms that have evolved very little for a long, long time.

At the American History museum, they had an awesome display on First Ladies and all that they have done to influence politics and charity in The United States AND the world. In the end, they really do about as much as The President himself, just different types of activities. They are such strong role models when it comes to charity, and to the women of America. If you go to that museum ever, make sure you set aside a good amount of time to spend there! I sure felt like I could have spent three days at each museum, or even four, instead of one.

The war memorials were also incredible. I definitely cried at the Vietnam War Memorial. It was so sad to walk all the way down that wall that had all 58,000 names of those that died in the war. Every once in a while, they had a profile laying at the base of the wall of one of them, containing a picture, a basic profile, and the age at death. There were so many that were between 18 and 20 years old! They were just kids. One of them had a letter written for the man who died, just a couple years out of highschool. It was written by someone in his family who was young and didn't ever get to meet him, but wanted to tell him how much of a hero he was in his eyes, and to tell him his family hadn't forgotten about him; in fact, he'd been a great artist, and his mom still had his art hanging up on her fridge from highschool. That's when I started crying. I really hope people thinka bout the cost of war before they just want to jump into it. Sure, the Iraq war has ONLY had 2,000 deaths or so, but really. Try to think about it. It's not 58,000, but just try COUNTING to 2,000, and thinking about each number that you go through as being a life that was lost, mostly of young men who haven't yet lived their lives. Wait! I just looked upt he official number. As of today, 2,319 American soldiers have died in the Iraq war. And I'm not saying that this war has no purpose, but I get angry when people say that it doesn't matter if there's a purpose or not, because this war is efficient and, Gosh, not THAT many people are dying! Well, that's fine, until it's you. Then you can think a little freaking more about what the freaking point is about the war you're fighting.

Because all I could think about after reading that was how sad it must be to graduate from highschool, be all young and full of opportunity. Children spend their entire lives going to school to prepare for something big. Some grow up to be firefighters: every step they take, and every bit they learn is to get them closer to that goal. Some grow up to be teachers, some doctors, and of course, there are countless other hopes and dreams kids strive for. Imagine thinking you were going to grow up and work that hard to become your dream occupation, but come to the realization that it actually isn't so: you've grown up to die. That's it. You studied, you got your highschool diplmoma, but were never given the opportunity to use all the knowledge and understanding you have acquired over your thirteen years of grade school.

Imagine being the mother who has to walk by her refrigerator every day and see that ray of hope that once existed in her son; the talent and passion that goes into even a tiny piece of art, so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of time, but yet so alive. Imagine thinking about how afraid he must have been that day he was shot, blown up, or somehow obliterated by the enemy. How he died overseas, so far away, where you couldn't hold him and tell him its okay just like you did when he scraped his knee as a young boy. Only this time, it wasn't okay. Did he die alone? Or did he die in the arms of his soldier friend? Was his soul even alive the day he left this Earth after seeing all the death and destruction, and having to bear weapons and obliterate other human beings day after day? A man so young, he's just barely a man. A man who should be at college learning things that are exciting and stimulating, and dating cute girls. Instead, he is plunged into the vile law of the jungle: eat or be eaten. And he is eaten. End of story. Goodbye, American youth.

Ever read Dulce Et Decorum Est? It's by Wilfred Owen, who wrote it while wounded in World War one and then was thrown back out into the frontlines and later killed. People speak of dying for our country as being a glorious thing, but is it really? If you were shot in the gut, lying there bleeding on the scorchingly hot ground in Iraq, would you feel like a hero? Would you think "Gosh, this is what I've always wanted!" Think about it.

Sometimes, war is necessary. But I wish people would just understand how much war costs: how much pain it inflicts. And if the purpose of the war isn't worth that kind of death, don't do it! It's so easy for the old guys in charge to send the young people over to die. As they said in "Troy," "War is young men dying, and old men talking." The young men don't make the decision: the old ones do. What a twisted system where the ones who have to pay the steepest price have little to no say in whether or not it's worth it.

Just something to think about.

Anyway, the trip to D.C. was amazing. It was very thought-provoking, and emotional. I definitely put in a few prayers for our American soldiers who have sacrificed so much for American freedom. Oh! I almost forgot! I got to visit Arlington Cemetery, too, which was interesting because I got the see The Change of the Guard. And I saw John F. and Jacqueline Kennedys' graves. I wouldn't call it fun...I can hardly say "Yay! I just saw thousands of graves for Americans who died at war or being assasinated!" But it was a good experience.

God Bless America!!!

Wow. I cannot believe how long I was sick for. And I was really, really, really, really, really sick. I looked at my calendar to see when my microbiology exam was—February 8. That was the first day I was sick. And it wasn’t until yesterday, March 12, that I felt better. That’s a month and four days! Okay, sorry, I wasn’t trying to be condescending—I know that most people who can read this can also comprehend that 12-8=4. I suppose it was all for the effect.

But here I am, feeling reborn because I was sick for so long, I forgot what it was like to be healthy! And I can tell you that it is amazing…incredible…uplifting…out of this world mind-boggling! I know, some may say I am going overboard, but I challenge them to try having bronchitis, pneumonia, and sinusitis for a month. Seriously. Health is something I have taken for granted for a long time, but it’s not going to be like that for a while, after this.

Anyway, life is great now. I am HEALTHY! I am on spring break, and tomorrow I am going to Washington, D.C. to stay with my lovely friend Amy and her mom. They will show me around since they kind of live there (and I mean kind of as in Amy’s dad is in the military, so they live places only temporarily) so they have seen everything. I am super excited. I plan on taking a ridiculous amount of pictures.

So yeah. Anything else? Oh yeah. I have decided I spend so much time on the internet, it’s ruining my life. So my goal is to only sign on to AIM two hours a week. And only on the weekends. NO WEEKDAY AIM! And then I only get to check my email once a day, unless I am expecting a very important email—usually related to school or career, though I suppose there are some social situations that can be considered important (like a friend with a predicament, etc.) Oh, and no facebook except during the weekends too! I can only look at that during my two hours on AIM.

And with the many, many, many hours that I have open due to the internet not occupying so much of my time, I want to study and practice piano now. I mean, study, and then when I need a break, play piano for fifteen minutes, then get back to it. My psychology teacher in highschool informed us of how short our attention spans really are, and how if we want our minds to still be actively engaged, every so often we have to take a break and do something to get the chemicals in our brains flowing again. One of the big ways to do that was cross-lateral activities. What cross-lateral activities do is involve some physical activity that forces the left and right brain to communicate with one-another. And piano is definitely a task that does that—the right hand and left hand, when playing piano, have to play different notes, sometimes at different rhythms, but they have to do it in conjunction with one-another.

Anyway, I have the most long-winded method of explaining that playing piano in between studying should be an effective study-method for me.

But I don’t have to do that for five days, ‘cause I get to go play in D.C. first! Yay!